Fated

"Do you ever wonder if we'd be better off as friends?" That's the question my boyfriend posed to me today. I fucking hate it when he does the "What ifs". I'm a worrier by nature, I constantly worry. I worry about being dumped, I worry about money, I worry about my job, I worry about friends, I worry about the world, I worry about the retard kid I saw the other day and if they are happy. Everyone has always said I have the highest anxiety out of anyone they ever knew. I worry about things I cannot control. I know all of that and that's usually where the xanax comes in. It doesn't always help, but most of the time, it brings me back down to normal. But it only gets rid of the anxiety, never the worry. I have to sleep with the TV on or my brain takes the opportunity to fill itself with as much worry as possible. My boyfriend always hopes for the best and plans for the worst. It's a good way to look at things I suppose as far as crazy people go. Then people get into "if it's meant to be, it's meant to be". Something my boyfriend says as well. Which he follows up with "But how do you know if it's meant to be?". And that is a great question. Is it a feeling in your gut? A feeling in your heart? Do you write down the Pros and Cons? To know if something is meant to be is an ability that no human will ever be able to posses. Why? Because we have a high thinking power than animals. We think things over and over and over. Explore every option. Animals just know and do it.

That's where fate comes in. Some people think you should believe in fate and let the chips fall where they may, (Tyler Durdan, you wonderful bastard). Others say that you have to make your own fate and that you are in charge of your life. So who's right? Both in my opinion. The hard part isn't relying on fate and hoping that everything works out or making your way through life with hard work and toil. The hard part is knowing when to leave it to fate and when you need to step it up and make things your way. Fate does exist, but it isn't always the answer. You still have to put in the hard work for your life and what you really want.

Let me give you some examples. When I was getting ready to move out of my apartment, I had until the end of the month to get out. I had all my things packed up and the big questions was: where do I go? The days were drawing near and I had three options: move in with my friend Jazzhands, move in with a couple that I knew from college, or move in with my stepmom. I realized that I couldn't live with Jazzhands as she and I would grow to hate each other. I didn't want to live with my stepmom because her and my dad were going through a very nasty divorce and she wasn't in a good place. So, I was going to live with the couple I knew from college. So, my boyfriend and I moved all my shit up two flights of stairs and went out to eat. Not even 45 minutes after we moved my stuff, the couple called and decided they didn't want to live with me. So, that left me with my one option: my stepmom. It was fated because not even two months later, my Stage IV Endometriosis flared up so bad that I couldn't hold down a job. My stepmom, who loves me like her own daughter, let me live here pretty much rent free and has been very supportive. If I had moved in with Jazzhands, I would have been left with an apartment I couldn't pay for as she left for The Navy, and the couple would have kicked me out since I wouldn't be able to pay rent. That was fate.

So, here's an example of not fate, but me making my own life. When I first moved to Glendale, I worked at Walgreens. I excel at every job I do. I did the register, was moved into photo and made lead photo. But eventually, I realized I wanted to work in the pharmacy. So, I told my boss, who said no because I was the only capable person in photo. I didn't relent. I made friends with the people back in the pharmacy. When they needed help ringing people up, I was the first one there. One night, we got robbed and we had to close the store down. The pharmacy closes earlier than the store front. So, as I was trying to finish getting the customers rang out and lock the doors, the pharmacy manager came strolling towards the doors, whistling and swinging his keys. I told him he couldn't leave because we had just gotten robbed. He looked at me ringing people out, keeping everyone calm, and doing my job. The next day he told his employees, "We have to get her back here". It wasn't long until the assistant manager came up to me in photo and said, "You still want to work in pharmacy?". I said I did. He said it was done. And I am one of the best pharmacy technicians there ever has been. I say that with confidence. But I had to make that happen, not sit around and twiddle my thumbs and hope fate made me a pharmacy technician.

So now you see the difference. That's the hardest part is seeing the difference. I don't claim I know that difference all the time. But when it comes to relationships, both fate and hard work apply. It is fate you meet that person, that you talked to that person that night, that you felt those emotions that eventually led to a relationship. That's fate. And people keep relying on fate to keep the relationship going. They are wrong. You then have to put in the hard work and make it your own. That's why when people break up and say "It just wasn't meant to be" pisses me off. They were lazy and didn't want to put the work in because fate brought them together, but that is where fates job ends at relationships. You know when fate's job is done when the magic and the passion start to wear off. Then you have to put in the hard work. Because relationships are hard work. People need to realize: your partner is going to let you down once in awhile. And you are going to let your partner down once in awhile. That's where you put in the hard work and fight through the pain and the hurt together.

So, when do you know when the relationship really isn't meant to be? I don't have the answer, but I have a theory. After you weather the storm, and things have settled down and you look at your partner. They are beaten, tired, and you probably look the same. If by the end of that you still look at that person and you feel that love, that same love that you felt that first time and you still are looking at this person and you just want to be with them still, that's how you know you're in a good relationship. If at the end, you suddenly see a different person, someone that you don't feel that love anymore, then you know the relationship should end. I have a failed marriage, but I fought the good fight. The problem was he didn't want to fight the fight. He didn't want to put in the work. He thinks he did by joining The Navy, but he didn't put in the work to stop hurting me. I'm not happy I have a failed marriage. Nobody likes to admit defeat. But I came out of it with a new look on relationships. And it helped me learn the difference of  when to rely on fate and when I need to bear down, get my hands dirty, and get work done son. I won't always know 100% of the time, but I have a better understanding of when to know the difference.

So, call it fate or God's will or whatever you want, but sometimes you need to get off that wagon and push it yourself.

-Crazy Eights