I am an alcoholic. That's not an Inwards Hate, it's something I outwardly hate about myself. And like all alcoholics, I recently thought I could control my drinking. Tuesday my friend Ica called me from the bar and I went down. I did a good job not getting horribly drunk, just kept that nice buzz going. I drove home, sobered up, showered and ate and went to bed. Not bad for an alcoholic. But last night, the ugly part of my alcoholism came out. First of all, being on Zoloft, I know that alcohol fucks with the way the drug works. And maybe it was my Bi Polar, maybe it was my meds being off, or maybe I was just tired of being blown off, but when my boyfriend said he wanted to grab a drink with his friend when he was suppose to hang out with me, a flip switched in me. I drove to three different bars and sat in the car in the parking lot, just battling myself not to go in. Eventually, I went to Circle K and got a six pack of Budlight in a bottle. I came home, turned off all the lights in my room, and popped the first bottle open. I then put on my itunes and my depression got worse and worse and it started going towards someplace I hate going.
Here's a couple of Inward Hates: I hear voices when I'm having a really bad episode, manic or depressive. They whisper in my ears and I literally think someone is over my shoulder. I don't know what they say sometimes, sometimes I do. But I do know they don't want good things for me. And the leads to the other Inward Hate. I am a self harmer. I don't cut or burn myself, (although sometimes I do make myself vomit for the fuck of it). Instead, I will beat the shit out of myself. Last time this happened was a week after my surgery and my anxiety was so high, I squeezed my rib cage to the point of bruising. I also kept punching myself in the chest as hard as I could to see if that would make the anxiety go away. The bruises last awhile and they remind me of dark times, but I can't help it. And I was heading down that road last night. It's worse when I drink because it's harder to feel and so I hit much, much harder.
I was curled on the floor by the corner of my bed, just the glow of the computer playing music. I had just hung up on the phone with my boyfriend and another friend was telling me how he thinks I truly am: an attention wanter. This isn't true, but I did someone the night. And he didn't want me that night, nor do I blame him. Being Bi Polar is hard, but sometimes even harder on the person whom is with them. In my drunken stupor, I decided to send a message to The Bloggess. If you don't know who she is, she is one of my heroes. She battles depression and other health issues and makes light of them but is also very honest with them. She wrote a book that is coming out soon and I have it preordered on my Nook already. She also cares about her fans.I've wrote to her before about my Endometeriosis and how I can't have kids. She sent me a very hopeful message back and made me smile. This is what I sent her the other night:
If you don't know what the Silver Ribbon is, it's the ribbon for people whom battle depression. The Bloggess wrote a wonderful post about it and I will post it at the end of this post. Anywhom, shortly after, as I was getting ready to self harm, I happened to look at my phone and see my boyfriend calling. He apologized for blowing me off and asked if he could stay the night. I admitted that I had been drinking and crying and I wanted to self harm. He came over, sat in the dark with me, held me until I could feel the darkness get a little less dark. He then took me to bed and showed me how much he loves me. Afterwards, we went to get food and when I got back, I saw The Bloggess had not only replied, but also asked others to help me. This is what she said:
.
She then sent this to all of her followers, (She has over a thousand):
My friend
I came home to over 200 messages of hope, good thoughts, hugs, love, and messages of hope from complete strangers. My heart that had been filled with darkness was now swollen with love. I've made a couple of new friends and I now am more determined than ever to beat my Alcoholism and Bi Polar. The internet is a powerful tool. It can be used to boost your business, look at porn, meet your soulmate, etc. But that night is also showed that is can save someone from going down the depression hole even further. The news always talks about internet bullies, but they never talk about how thousands of strangers helped me crawl from the darkness and see the light a little better. My boyfriend knew I needed him and I will cut him so much more slack because he knew I needed him and he was there. And so were strangers whom all know the holds depression has on your brain and body.
I started writing this the day after but my boyfriend came back over and took me out on an amazing date and our passion is finally back. His group and several people in my life think we shouldn't be together. But he was there last night and he will be there when I need him again. And now I know I have an army behind me to fight the depression.
This is dedicated to everyone that night that took time out of their lives and wrote me a message of hope. And to my boyfriend for being there to hold me and keep me from hurting myself. Most of all, this is dedicated to The Bloggess for caring about me. I'm just one in her millions of fans, but she still reached out and cared. You are an amazing woman and a beautiful person.
We all rock in this fight. We will fucking win.
http://thebloggess.com/2012/01/the-fight-goes-on/
-Crazy Eights
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